The Ontario Health Insurance Plan for the Blind and Toothless

OHIP coverageIn the largest and richest Canadian province of Ontario, your eyes and mouth do not qualify as part of your body, or health – if you are over 20 and under 65 years of age.

Which is fine because everyone knows that people between the ages of 20 and 65 are the least important in any society, so why should Ontarians be any different?

But they recognized this well-known fact only in the glorious year of 2004 when Anakin turned to the dark side and became Darth Vader (any allusion to a former Republican U.S. vice president or current Canadian Conservative administration is, er, purely unintended and coincidental.)

OHIP Policy Framework Conference

One fine day in 2004, I think a top Ontario Health Insurance Plan (OHIP) official named Jack looked at the provincial health costs spiralling out of control and realized that this new wave of immigrants was only making things worse, after which he had the following conversation with his colleague, Bob.

Jack: The cost of eye exams and dental procedures is just spiralling out of control, Bob! Just look at these figures! Those no-good sons of bitches are mobbing dentists and optometrists like teenagers flocking Pizza Pizza!

Bob: I hear you, Jack. A lot of these assholes are just plain abusing the system, fixing their eyes and teeth every year! I mean, I don’t visit my Lexus dealership that often!

Jack: Completely unacceptable, Bob! What do they think this is? Britain? France… or some such goddamned tinpot European socialist communist backwater gulag? This is Ontario, boy! Everyone whose eyes and mouths really matter has a nice private insurance here.

Bob: Absolutely! And most of the Real Canadian Ontarians are under 20 and above 65 anyway. I’ve had enough too, I swear. Let’s pull the plug, Jack, or else we’ll have to cut staff wages and you can kiss your new Muskoka cottage goodbye.

Jack: Yes siree, Bob! It’s about time, I tell ya. If we don’t stop here, next they’ll be expecting godknows what – yoga coverage – for crying out loud!! Let’s push these leechy freeloaders off the system!

Bob: Hahaha… brilliant… go for it, Jack. It will help them keep their squinty eyes closed and filthy mouths shut. I’m with you buddy.

Jack: Great! So it’s decided: Routine eye examinations provided by either an optometrist or physician, for patients aged 20 to 64 are no longer covered by OHIP.

Bob: Hell, yeah! Mother#$@*rs pay for this service or have the cost of examinations covered by private insurance!

Jack: I’m going to write a sound and solid reasoning report backed with statistics and data with a nice multimedia presentation for the Premiere’s approval right away.

Bob: Atta boy, Jack! Say hi to Betty and kids for me.

First Published: December 2nd, 2010


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