How to Get Rich Quick in Canada

As you take your first step out on the Canadian soil, shaking snow off your boots and sneezing your first Canadian gesundheits, you must be wondering what every newcomer to Canada has wondered ever since the first settlers arrived at ‘our’ shores and collected their first native scalp:

“How do I make it rich in this bountiful dominion without incurring any federal penalty?”

Or if you’re more of a conformist, you know, the type who is more than happy to settle for a nine-to-five desk job, counting minutes to lock his drawers for the day and pick her bag to get the heck out of the business establishment and reach home to sprawl out on your couch and check out the latest telly commercials interrupted occasionally by network programming…

You’ve directed your browser to just the right place!

Five Secrets of Turning an Immigrant’s Life Around in Canada

Or, How to Achieve Success in Canada by going through this snazzy PowerPoint Presentation (Free snacks! Don’t forget to take useful brochures on how to mortgage your life and borrowing more money on credit cards with my sponsoring bank.)

(As advised by every immigration expert and self-help book I’ve read)

Network, Network, Network

1 This probably means you talk to every person you see, starting from your sexy next door neighbour (an immigrant herself!) as she smiles to make your day and steps into the elevator with you. They don’t really say what exactly you are to “network” about though. I mean, you already know she lives next door, and you know she’s already dating someone because of all the noises the entire floor is entertained with during weekends… so may be I’m missing something here…

Seize Every Opportunity

2 Buy OLG lottery tickets from every outlet within 2 square kilometre radius. Don’t worry about the odds and don’t worry about being member of any visible minority. As long as you’re a middle aged white male (source: Ontario Lottery and Gaming website photographs and testimonials), set aside a generous amount of money for lottery tickets every day. You WILL win the lottery and all your troubles will be history.

Upgrade Your Skills

3 If you can operate a mechanical can-opener or an oven-toaster, don’t just stop there, learn how to assemble a .45 semi-automatic pistol for your next armed robbery. Go to the lottery selling establishments described above and use your newly acquired skills.

Be Entrepreneurial, Take the Initiative

4 Rather than just robbing the grocery store as demonstrated above, persuade and ‘take care’ of the owners, and take over the establishment yourself. This way, you can start your own business with minimal effort.

Invest Money Wisely

5 Every customer to your newly acquired grocery shop is a potential investor in your life. Show them your .45 semi-automatic weapon (which you mastered as described in No 3 above) and ask them to invest the cash in their wallet in your business. Tell them their investment will result in handsome payouts: you won’t kill them.

I am sure that using the above described 5 secrets, you will fulfil your dreams in Canada sooner than the rest of your fellow immigrants who are whining and worrying about their future and lining up to federally-funded job programs and provincially funded Employment resource centres or Financial Institution funded periodicals.

Have a wonderful life!