Canada Welcomes You

welcome to canada

ADVISORY: The following literature is meant to be read and followed with a bagful of salt that is required to melt Canadian ice on a cold sidewalk. The Acceptable Use Policy is to be read while firmly pressing your tongue against your inner cheek. You’ve been warned.

So, you’ve been planning to immigrate to Canada for a long time and can’t wait to get your application rolling. Or, you have finally got your application approved and now are counting days to arrive into Canada.

And the websites are so depressing for a newcomer! You know, continuously shedding a negative light on the wonderful Immigrant experience that Canada offers. Well, this blog was never one of those, ha!

But, you must have noticed that unlike most paid services, the Canada Immigration system does not have an Acceptable Use Policy for an End User to blindly click OK so that you can enjoy the goods!

I’ve taken it upon myself to make one.

The Acceptable Use Policy that Immigration Canada never had

Before Immigrating, you must read and accept the following:

1. Canada is a wonderful place for immigrants

happy joy canadaIf continuous rejection makes you happy and jump for joy, come on in! We’re open 24/7! However, Do not immigrate if you’re a ‘dignified’ type and naively believe that somehow your experience will be different than all the other losers out there whining and grumbling about things going sour. No matter how capable and talented you are, you will have to let go of your ‘inner strengths’ and bury them deep in the miserable city from where you originate.

2. Canada is a place to be successful, and to thrive

successful immigrantsGive yourself five years to struggle and strive and cry and get depressed. That’s how much time it takes for an average third world immigrant Joe to adjust. After that ? Well, you will have happily accepted your fate as a loser! Because there won’t be anything left for you to look forward to, anyway. And you will have found a nice low-level immigrant-type job (compared to what you were back then) and a nice mortgage… all to be called a well-settled immigrant in a quality suburban township to spend the rest of your happy life. Just don’t dream!

3. Canada will prove lucky to you as no other place

fortune in canadaAn unlikely early lucky break will make you proud of your freak good fortune and turn you very optimistic about all that Canada has to offer. You will go gaga over your apparent success and will write your heart out on the internet at places that only brood and gloom. That is indeed a great feeling. But it is inevitable that the ugly head of reality will raise itself (not a matter of if, but when) and sooner than later, you will feel miserable again. Give it a try! You’ll love it (if that’s what you love, see point 1.)

4. Canada offers a better life and living standards

better life in canadaYou will love how convenient it is to go from A to B in just under two and a half hours. And that will be your first regular commute to work, if you find work according to point number 2 above. You will marvel at the stuff available in supermarkets and stores and will dream of saving and spending it all before the end of the year. Such affordable prices! Unless you happen to add 14% tax and then once in a while stray off to some American retailer on the web offering a much better deal for quarter the price. But still, you’re a Canadian, baby! Those Americans, don’t you just hate them?

5. Canada provides you with a healthy, active lifestyle

health care canadaThanks to a health care system that’s the envy of the rest of the world (only because the rest of the world actually lives quite far from Canada to see it in action.) You’ll just love going into any walk-in clinic (as long as your mouth and eyes are not part of your body) and flashing your Health Card and promptly receiving the world’s best health care (remember, no mouth or eyes) advice that’s better than a specialist’s – who needs a specialist any way. Just don’t open your eyes and mouth (say it out loud: eyes and mouth are not healthcare!) and everything’s fine! (For more on this topic, do read my earlier post on the matter.)

6. Canada is the most amazing place to raise kids

kids in canadaThat’s absolutely true. In fact, it is so true that we actually don’t need you at all, just your children. It really doesn’t matter how you live your life. It’s their working life we’re concerned about, so that our ageing older Canadians can continue to live off their great pension plans, retirement benefits and healthcare for which your future generations will work hard – and make us all proud Canadians. Try marrying as soon as you can and start procreating: we’ve got all the welfare packages for a family of 5 kids or more! The more kids you have, the less likely you’re to complain about your miserable life. It works for all of us.

I AGREE (Let me land, please) | I DO NOT AGREE (No thanks, WTF!)

First Published: November 28th, 2008


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