Canada Welcomes You

By Edar 'Cinnikull' Aihil

welcome to canada

ADVISORY: The following literature is meant to be read and followed with a bagful of salt that is required to melt Canadian ice on a cold sidewalk. The Acceptable Use Policy is to be read while firmly pressing your tongue against your inner cheek. You’ve been warned.

So, you’ve been planning to immigrate to Canada for a long time and can’t wait to get your application rolling. Or, you have finally got your application approved and now are counting days to arrive into Canada.

And the websites are so depressing for a newcomer! You know, continuously shedding a negative light on the wonderful Immigrant experience that Canada offers. Well, this blog was never one of those, ha!

But, you must have noticed that unlike most paid services, the Canada Immigration system does not have an Acceptable Use Policy for an End User to blindly click OK so that you can enjoy the goods!

I’ve taken it upon myself to make one.

The Acceptable Use Policy that Immigration Canada never had

Before Immigrating, you must read and accept the following:

1. Canada is a wonderful place for immigrants

happy joy canada If continuous rejection makes you happy and jump for joy, come on in! We’re open 24/7! However, Do not immigrate if you’re a ‘dignified’ type and naively believe that somehow your experience will be different than all the other losers out there whining and grumbling about things going sour. No matter how capable and talented you are, you will have to let go of your ‘inner strengths’ and bury them deep in the miserable city from where you originate.

2. Canada is a place to be successful, and to thrive

successful immigrants Give yourself five years to struggle and strive and cry and get depressed. That’s how much time it takes for an average third world immigrant Joe to adjust. After that ? Well, you will have happily accepted your fate as a loser! Because there won’t be anything left for you to look forward to, anyway. And you will have found a nice low-level immigrant-type job (compared to what you were back then) and a nice mortgage… all to be called a well-settled immigrant in a quality suburban township to spend the rest of your happy life. Just don’t dream!

3. Canada will prove lucky to you as no other place

fortune in canada An unlikely early lucky break will make you proud of your freak good fortune and turn you very optimistic about all that Canada has to offer. You will go gaga over your apparent success and will write your heart out on the internet at places that only brood and gloom. That is indeed a great feeling. But it is inevitable that the ugly head of reality will raise itself (not a matter of if, but when) and sooner than later, you will feel miserable again. Give it a try! You’ll love it (if that’s what you love, see point 1.)

4. Canada offers a better life and living standards

better life in canada You will love how convenient it is to go from A to B in just under two and a half hours. And that will be your first regular commute to work, if you find work according to point number 2 above. You will marvel at the stuff available in supermarkets and stores and will dream of saving and spending it all before the end of the year. Such affordable prices! Unless you happen to add 14% tax and then once in a while stray off to some American retailer on the web offering a much better deal for quarter the price. But still, you’re a Canadian, baby! Those Americans, don’t you just hate them?

5. Canada provides you with a healthy, active lifestyle

health care canada Thanks to a health care system that’s the envy of the rest of the world (only because the rest of the world actually lives quite far from Canada to see it in action.) You’ll just love going into any walk-in clinic (as long as your mouth and eyes are not part of your body) and flashing your Health Card and promptly receiving the world’s best health care (remember, no mouth or eyes) advice that’s better than a specialist’s – who needs a specialist any way. Just don’t open your eyes and mouth (say it out loud: eyes and mouth are not healthcare!) and everything’s fine! (For more on this topic, do read my earlier post on the matter.)

6. Canada is the most amazing place to raise kids

kids in canada That’s absolutely true. In fact, it is so true that we actually don’t need you at all, just your children. It really doesn’t matter how you live your life. It’s their working life we’re concerned about, so that our ageing older Canadians can continue to live off their great pension plans, retirement benefits and healthcare for which your future generations will work hard – and make us all proud Canadians. Try marrying as soon as you can and start procreating: we’ve got all the welfare packages for a family of 5 kids or more! The more kids you have, the less likely you’re to complain about your miserable life. It works for all of us.

I AGREE (Let me land, please) | I DO NOT AGREE (No thanks, WTF!)

Published: November 28th, 2008

Comments

Nadine

hilarious blog post! it reminds me of the booklets I was given when I arrived in Canada. I remember there was an elderly asian gentleman by the Immigration doorway at pearsons handing out booklets to all newcomers. everyone in the queue was pretty excited to read through those booklets. while reading this blog I almost laughed out loud because the way you have presented this parody, I’m sure anyone with some sense of humor is going to press the do not agree WTF link!!

on a serious note, I think I must have gone through a hundred of such warnings before immigrating but never paid any heed. like everyone else, I also believed my experience was going to be different than people criticizing a bit too much. I shouldve known better. however we’re here and have only to hope for the best.

N
Fritzel

Canadians by and large resembles me, appear alright on the surface but deep within………..
Ferry

@nadine : Same here. However I’ll return before it’s too late. I’m sorry for all others who have no option but to stay and live a miserable paycheck-to-paycheck life forever.

Do something!
http://none... Vlad

Is this ALL that TREU ?

Get Me Out Of Here !
zaalan

I left a very good paying job plus generous benefits to immigrate to Canada because i thought it is a decent place where I can develope my career, unfortunatelt I would say that immigration to Canada is a big scam that is masterminded by the Canadian Government to deceive immigrants, the level of discrimination against new comers in Canada in unimaginable, and the job market in Canada I can describe it without hisitation as the new modern version of slavery
AM

“This high level of discrimination against newcomers in Canada [that] is unimaginable” to cite zaalan, is because WE, immigrants LET IT HAPPEN. Why is it that immigrants prefer to suffer individually rather than get out in the streets in solidarity to voice their views and objections to this unfair treatment? What is the Canadian Government going to do? Invite millions of us out? I doubt this is going to be politically correct and convenient in the light of a reality that speaks of baby boomers just about to retire and a population that barely reproduces itself with 1 in 5Canadians likely to be suffering from mental illness in the years to come.

So to go back to the pathetic treatment of immigrants, particularly those educated, the whole reality of this aspect has turned out so because we let it happen.

If someone slams the door in your face
And you say nothing
It is very likely they will do that to you again and again,
Because you said nothing.

That is systematically reinforced until you familiarize yourself with it so well that you have no further reaction to reinforced action. It is then that unfamiliarity becomes familiarity, and the failure becomes resignation. Then you stop living the real life…then there follows the next revelation -you realise that everything here is for sale, including the citizenship. I heard (sadly too late after I already got here) that there are industrialized countries in the world where citizenship is actually not for sale, one can’t just buy it like that after a thousand or so of days in the country, instead is something offered to only those who speak the language perfectly and have intellectually, artistically, or culturally contributed to the country’s prosperity in some way. Here, it’s right the opposite. One’s intellectual potential is frowned upon as some kind of drawback and the genuine “joie de vivre” as some sort of “mental problem”.

Last, if I were to give this treatment a name that would be IMMIGRANT ABUSE. I often think of this country and its policy-makers as a somewhat barren couple who go to an adoption agency and present themselves as wonderful potential adoptive parents who would do anything to secure potential adoptees one of the best lives they could ever have. Finally they get the paperwork done and the adopted son or daughter is welcome “home”. However, not much time goes by and the couple start psychologically abusing their adopted offspring somewhat tacitly pointing out that “beggars can’t be choosers anyway”. How fair is that, dear people?

Anyway, my immigrant life here has been full of moments of revelation ever since I set foot on this land. It may be the perfect country to live in and raise a “happy” family for some, but it is not definitely for me. And I am not ashamed to go back. I will very soon and not because I didn’t “make it” in Canada (that’s not the case, I did it materially very well) but because Canada simply couldn’t “make it” into my heart; to me: Canada is many blurry things, but unfortunately nothing in particular.
http://canadaexpert.ca canadaexpert

Hi,

To be honest, you can not find a prefect place to live. However, Canada is the most attractive place to live in these days. There is now doubt about that. Just look to other countries to realize.
Niyazi Sagcan

My family immigrated to Canada with point system in 1980 as a mechanical engineer and 10 + years experience . My wife had b.a. degree. Our son was only 3 years old.
While my experience was with North American companies first job I got was driving a taxi and my wife was cleaning and washing elder Canadians.
Now I am retired and will not stay here.
Good luck to the new comers.