Newcomer’s Guide to Insurance

The ultimate guide to understanding Canadian Insurance and why every self-respecting immigrant must earn more and more money to pay more and more premiums to feel more and more secure in their bankers’ hands.

Insurance for Immigrants

In this third part of our series with the Immigration consultant extraordinaire, Dr Grey V. Trayn, we discuss the great Insurance dreams of Canada, among other matters of fixed, variable and mutual interest.

Canada Immigrant Blog: Dr Trayn, Why is insurance considered so, so, so very important in a new immigrant’s life in Canada according to every bank-funded advertorial and flyer?

Dr Grey V Trayn: For newcomers, getting insured by a top financial institution is the second best thing to feel truly and genuinely Canadian, without having anything else to feel good about during their first few years.

CanadaImmigrantBlog: What’s the first best thing?

Dr Trayn: The feeling and pride of knowing that someone so unworthy and insignificant in Canada is now worthy enough to be eligible to be considered for insurance by a rich financial institution.

CanadaImmigrantBlog: What kinds of insurance plans do immigrants need the most?

Dr Trayn: The only kind of insurance the immigrant — or any human for that matter – needs is to be able NOT to need insurance. Only the insurance industry needs insurance in order to keep feeding itself.

CanadaImmigrantBlog: Yes, but this is an indepth analytical piece about insurance, and our average dumb Canadian immigrant expects our fine blog to publish this kind of informational stuff, so could you be a little more specific?

Dr Trayn: Listen buddy, I’m telling you as an expert here, but obviously you’re as dumb as they come. Anyhow, if you insist, there are five kinds of insurances that immigrants will eventually find themselves trapped in for life, ie:

Health Insurance

This insurance is taken so that immigrants may falsely feel healthy and safe despite having a lifestyle that is guaranteed to give the newcomers more health hazards and diseases than anything else.

Home Insurance

This insurance is taken so that one can enjoy the illusion of ‘owning‘ a house at inflated prices of real estate developers who actually own most of Canada themselves.

Car Insurance

This insurance is taken so that rough-and-tough ‘family values’ type immigrants can feel powerful and in-control while driving gas-guzzlers and can show their middle fingers to socialist/pinko bikers, pedestrians and transit-taking, carless losers.

Travel Insurance

This insurance is taken so that when new ‘Canadian’ immigrants visit their backwater, downtrodden countries, they can feel superior to their relatives, friends and other backhome losers by avoiding local food and goodies which can give them belly-aches and diarrhoea.

Life Insurance

This insurance is taken on the insistence of immigrants’ spouses who, while moaning and groaning about the doom-and-gloom life in Canada, still want it extended beyond its natural limit and on the pretext that someone else benefits from it.


CanadaImmigrantBlog: Very nice. Is there any other insurance plan which is normally not targeted towards immigrants but which you think should also be on top of their mind?

Dr Trayn: You haven’t been listening to me at all, have you Mr Content Filler Blogger! NO! But if you’re hellbent on hearing anything for the sake of it… Sure! Go ahead and insure every last thing you have the illusion of ‘having’, from the rental units to your gambling habits to your jobs and kid’s education and even your burial plots (or cremation chambers) for all I care. If only newbies spent less on credit-infested, interest-laden insurance only than immigrants can be the exception to great debt/credit/debt cycle of a credit-based economy, but obviously you …

CanadaImmigrantBlog: Er… Thank you Dr Trayn, I think we have covered enough paragraphs for Insurance topic. We hope to meet again and discuss other pressing issues that immigrants are facing in Canada.

If you’d like to ask Dr Grey V Trayn any question for our next session, you may do so in the comments below. Your comments may be monitored by Dr Trayn for quality assurance and training purposes.

Dr Grey V Trayn is the bestselling author of O Cana Duh: How to Succeed Through Simple Everyday Deceit, Clever Exploits and Unlimited Federal Grants. He is the founder and chairman of Settlement Canada Arrival Management Services (SCAMS), one of Canada’s largest government funded Certified Settlement Service Provider for newcomers and Immigrants.

More from Dr Grey V Trayn Series of How to Succeed in Canada

First Published: July 17th, 2012


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