Idiot's Guide to Immigration Canada

ADVISORY: This is an idiot’s guide. For intellectually stimulating and heart-warming tales of triumph and achievement, please visit your nearest Canada Immigration Consultant.

As a free service to the Ministry of Citizenship and Immigration, I have written an insider’s guide to the inner workings of an idle immigrant mind in Ontario. It will help the Ministry spend more money on government-funded programs for immigrants and will also add more glossy literature to put at the airports and Service Canada Centres nationwide,

welcome to canada

ADVISORY: The following literature is meant to be read and followed with a bagful of salt that is required to melt Canadian ice on a cold sidewalk. The Acceptable Use Policy is to be read while firmly pressing your tongue against your inner cheek. You’ve been warned.

So, you’ve been planning to immigrate to Canada for a long time and can’t wait to get your application rolling. Or, you have finally got your application approved and now are counting days to arrive into Canada.

stop immigrationAt first I thought I was reading some lunatic bigot’s blog post and its comments by someone feeling genetically superior in, say, Alberta or Manitoba, or some ultra right-wing racist/xenophobic trash like the National Post or Toronto Sun. But then I realized I don’t read those and rubbed my eyes to see that it was indeed The Toronto Star.

canada financial crisisAs with most ill-informed laymen, I often mistake my familiarity with something to be knowledge.

However, unlike those poor ill-informed sods, I do have the honour and privilege of personally getting some of the most brilliant first-hand insights and informed opinion on these financial crisis.

successful immigrantsIn my research for successful famous ‘genuine’ immigrants in Canada, I have disappointingly discovered only a few names. But perhaps I should not be too surprised. After all, even to first-rate ‘regular’ Canadians, if you gotta make it big, you gotta move to the U.S.

My definition of ‘genuine’ are those who landed just like an independent skilled worker class immigrant and then achieved something worthy enough to be famous or notable with primarily their existing education and qualifications.

ADVISORY: Proceed with a pinch of irony and generous dollops of self-inflicted paradoxical disdain. You’ve been warned. For the rest, there’s always The Job Finder.

newcomer employmentIf you aren’t already employed in Canada for more than 10 years, don’t get employed in Canada at all.

Go on and scratch your head at the above weird paradoxical tip, but you won’t get a more sincere tip than that from anyone. Here are the reasons why.

canada electionsOh, and by the way, Canada is also going to elections. What this essentially means to me — a new immigrant in Toronto, Ontario — is probably what an election in Norway means to a Kangaroo farmer in Australia… not that Kangaroos are farmed in Australia, but who knows these things, eh? Besides, I’m not even a citizen to be able to cast a vote. Ha!

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